Dreams and the Ways to Direct Them - Part 4

This is Part 4 in the series, click here to go back to the beginning.

Several months had passed since my first lucid dream and it'd quickly gone from a curiosity to a full blown obsession. I thought about it constantly. I couldn't wait to get to sleep every night. My real life was seeming less and less interesting and my bedtime was getting progressively earlier. With all the hours of sleep I was clocking I curiously never felt entirely rested. Reality was starting to get a bit slippery as I constantly tested the world for it's boundaries. The question 'am I dreaming?', cycled through my head on an almost constant rotation. I was sleeping more, but waking up exhausted.

My powers peaked one night while dreaming that I was inside an immense greenhouse. I was sitting on a bench taking in my surroundings, rows of potted plants stretched as far as the eye could see. Where previously I’d be excited to talk, have sex with everybody or fly out the window, I’d realised there was more to appreciate by moving slowly with purpose and taking in the finer details. I sat still, mindfully observing my inner universe.

There were characters pottering about, tending to plants, smelling flowers. Small children played games by the fountain. They were as real to me as anyone I'd met in my waking life. I felt a kind of love for all these people and a melancholy for the world I might destroy by selfishly waking up. I started to focus on a woman wearing a knitted cap, she was carrying a heavy pot and struggling with it. She seemed frustrated. I attempted something I'd never before tried, I willed her to place it on the ground, I willed her to sit, to drink from a glass of water and watched as it all unfolded before me. She smiled. I turned to a man pruning an overgrown banksia, I willed him to drop his clippers and put his hands in his back pockets and begin whistling the national anthem. I saw a butterfly and observed as it flew wherever I wanted it to go. Being in control and aware of myself in a dream was profound enough, but now I was in control of everything and everyone else. The characters, the animals, the environment, everything.

As I stared off into the distance, I noticed the tell tale signs of an impending wake up, the colour seemed to fade to black & white and everything felt far away and out of focus. I wasn't ready to leave so for the first time I attempted to use my powers to resist, it took nearly all my energy but my efforts were having a subtle effect, I inhaled and tightened my focus, miraculously the fading stopped. I concentrated harder, stretched my hand out in front of me in a dramatic pose and proceeded to bring everything back into focus, all in it's right place with colour restored. I exhaled a deep breath and looked around in satisfaction. The dream continued on for what seemed like days but it felt like the lesson had already been imparted so there was not much left for me to do. With new skills acquired I took one last long unblinking look at my creation, fell backwards and allowed myself to wake up.

It was 3:00 in the afternoon and I felt terrible.

Dreams and The Ways to Direct Them - Part 3

This is Part 3 in the series, click here to go back to the start.

My lucid dreams became more and more frequent over the next few weeks. Aside from getting better at flying I was learning and expanding upon a range of abilities. I had progressed to walking through walls, shooting fireballs out of my hands and moving objects telepathically around a room. Additionally during my waking hours I found myself taking the world less seriously, I felt somehow protected from within and my confidence increased. I was as mindful in my day to day errands as I was mindful in my sleep. I felt compelled to ramp up my normal meditation practice, I was less distracted, more focused and the people around commented on the positive change in me. It seemed I had accidentally broken through to the essential magical idea that reality itself could be just as malleable as a dream if you tackled it with the right frame of mind. It just took a little bit more time and effort to effect the change. It seemed I was leading a double life, mild mannered record store employee by day, super powerful dream wizard by night. I felt like I’d discovered an entrance to another world, a place both infinitely vast yet contained; a realm of endless creativity.

Imagine that deep within us there is an operator sitting behind a control panel regulating human emotions, rewarding us with good feelings, warning us with the bad. Now imagine I’d happened upon this work-station unmanned, a sign reading ‘back in 15’, I sat behind the desk and after some trial and error figured out how to mainline bliss without the need for any external event or stimuli. There’s a switch for contentment, a dial for sense gratification and a big red button labeled orgasm. I’d bypassed the external circuits and gained direct access to any sensation one could desire and I wasn’t about to give this power up easily. In the distance I heard the approaching steps of the operator so I barricaded the door to get familiar with the pleasure switches.

Which brings us to the sex dreams. My guess is that flying and sex are up there with the most common acts attempted by lucid dreamers. It took me a little while to happen upon the latter but once I did it was a discovery that very nearly derailed the whole enterprise. The first time it occurred, I had gained my lucidity while standing in the town square of some vaguely European locale, at the centre stood a full size marble statue of a naked woman. I was staring from a distance when I noticed her blink, I approached very slowly and saw her eyes move ever so slightly. I climbed up on the base and touched her skin, she came alive as I touched her, wrapping her arms around my waist and kissing me behind my ear.

That was how I lost my lucid dream virginity and the pursuit of pleasure would only get freakier and more depraved as I continued to push the boundaries. It's a tale as old as time, statue love leads to mermaid orgies leads to zero gravity orgasms above the planet; escalation is inevitable with this kind of thing until you find yourself drowning in a sea of warm mouths somewhere on the border of ecstasy and nightmare.

As far as dream activities go, I put sex and flying in a similar category, they are both based in sense gratification and wish fulfillment, they are both fun but shallow and can have significant downsides within the lucid realm if pursued to excess. For me, flying and sex all too often resulted in either my waking up or getting lost in the action and forgetting that I'm dreaming, which was the last thing I wanted. The lucid state is a fragile one, difficult to maintain at the best of times, and if you've already waited a week or more between dreams, giving in to your base desires starts to feel like a step backwards or at the very least a waste of a turn. It's my thinking that your subconscious probably doesn't want you to be in a lucid dream state so it'll throw any and every colourful distraction your way to try to throw you off course so it can get back to doing it’s essential work. In retrospect it seems my attention was being purposefully redirected. This may have been an early indication that I was meddling in areas I didn’t belong.

Continue on to Part 4.

Dreams and the Ways to Direct Them - Part 2

This is Part 2 in the series, click here to go back to the start.

'Myths are public dreams. Dreams are private myths.' - Joseph Campbell

Weeks later.

You all know the dream. You're being chased by some unseen attacker, you turn to run but your legs don't cooperate. It's like you're wading through deep mud while you feel the demon bearing down on you. This is exactly where I found myself, pursued by a shadow monster that I couldn't see. Without looking, I sensed he was gigantic, bigger than a bear and the only thing I knew for certain was the inevitability of my doom. Then in an instant as before something changed; the focus shifted and I knew exactly what was going on. By now I could feel the warmth of the shadow monster's breath on the back of my neck. Fearlessly, I turned to face it. There it stood looming over me, gnashing its teeth and reaching out with long sharp claws. Calmly and decisively I spoke, 'I am dreaming and there is nothing you can do to me. This is my house'. I stared directly into the pitch black void of his face. The monster recoiled, his body language changed, he dropped his hands, hung his head and slowly shuffled back into the shadows. Not only did I lose the fear but I wanted more of this demon, I wanted to know him and where he came from. I called out but my voice echoed hopelessly into the nothing. I found myself alone again.

Breathing slowly and taking in my surroundings, I saw I was standing on a footpath at night, illuminated via a streetlight but beyond that only darkness. I walked to the corner and was surprised to be standing on a bustling suburban street in the middle of the afternoon. While quietly appreciating the new environment, something which should have been obvious occurred to me. Flight. Probably the most common ability sought by dreamers, I don’t know how I didn’t think of it sooner. I took a deep breath, concentrated my thoughts and slowly began levitating. I floated just inches above the ground at first, I was calm, centered. After several minutes of quiet meditation I started to push higher.  I rose through the tree branches and felt the texture of the leaves as I passed. Soon I could see all the way to the horizon. I saw rolling hills and forests, a house in the country with smoke rising from the chimney, someone in the yard was putting out the washing and a happy dog bounded through the grass. I felt a cold wind on my face; I tried to remain calm while trying not to try too hard. I really didn't want to lose the view. This was my dominion, an inner universe to engage all my senses in a perfectly realistic simulation. I inhaled deeply, I felt at peace and didn't want to ever leave this place.

It had been several weeks since my first lucid experience and it seemed that like anything else, this was an ability that could be practiced and improved upon. I'd already maintained my lucidity longer than the first time but I needed to push it even further.  I needed to know what would happen, to know where this leads. It was with that thought, that I pivoted in the sky and pointed towards a mountain far on the horizon. I flew at an incredible speed through the air. I saw the country house I’d sighted before and dove down for a closer look, almost causing myself to crash through the middle of a tall pine tree before correcting, swiveling my body and shooting way up into the clouds, towards the sun. The wind was so intense my eyes started to get blurry. I tried to blink it away but the details remained out of focus. I started falling, feeling how Icarus felt. The wind was deafening. Reality broke apart. The colour fell from the world and I landed hard in my bed. With racing heart I turned on my bedside light, reached for my notebook and tried to get it all down with as much detail but as little legibility as possible. Things were getting interesting.

Continue on to Part 3.

Dreams and the Ways to Direct Them - Part 1

'Our psyche is part of nature and it's enigma is as limitless' – Carl Jung

I was at a High school house party, standing in someone’s yard at night in the Adelaide hills with my back against a red brick wall. The house was surrounded by a dying lawn and thick forest, with only a crooked wire fence in between. Music was playing loud, drunk teenagers were everywhere dancing, yelling, kissing, vomiting and crying. I was standing alone, out of it, swaying from the bourbon I'd smuggled from home. It was at this moment as I was so desperately trying to blend into the outdoor furniture that I was spotted by a local tough kid. The quintessential unwanted visitor. He was a year older, repeating a grade and known for picking fights for no reason. He made a beeline for me, yelled 'Hey shithead!' and pushed me hard in the chest, knocking me back into the bricks. Spitting words in my face 'What the fuck are you looking at?'. He smelt like BO, cigarettes and fruity lexia. His eyes were bloodshot, glazed over with a mix of confusion and adolescent rage. I was in shock. Mind racing. Holding his arms and hoping desperately for some kind of intervention. I took a breath. Then something changed, my perspective shifted and my mind zoomed up and outside of the situation.

'Am I dreaming?'

Time froze and logic slowly started to seep into the back of my mind. What is happening? It made zero sense that I would be at this party. I looked in my reflection and I saw my 16 year old self with hair down to my shoulders, baggy pants and an ill fitting jacket. I looked at my attacker, suddenly silent and withdrawn but with an unmistakable mischief in his eyes. With excitement I whispered 'I think I'm dreaming right now, this is nuts'. He nodded cautiously. 'None of this is real. You're not real'. I pressed him for conversation but he was unwilling or perhaps incapable of answering my questions. 'You're a dream figure, that must be so weird for you!' I walked over to the edge of the path and ran my fingers through the cold grass. I could feel the moisture. The level of detail was indistinguishable from reality. Standing under a clear night sky dotted with brilliant white stars and a super moon, I stared off into the distance towards the pines. Everything was tinted blue.

As I looked at the crowd I began to question how any of this was possible? I couldn't consciously recall this level of detail if you put a knife to my throat, yet there I was in a re-creation so vivid it felt like real life time travel. If my unconscious mind was able to record a moment from years ago with this much clarity, why can't I remember where I left my keys ten minutes ago? What's the purpose of having such a powerful on-board computer if it freezes up whenever I need it the most?

It was as if I'd fallen into an alternate reality every bit as real as our own. I was lucid, but more than that, mindful. Desperate to explore the possibilities of this inner dimension I'd stumbled into via some hidden mental door. Unfortunately this line of inquiry couldn't last. The state I found myself in was a fragile bubble that threatened to pop at the slightest sign of turbulence. I tried to hold on but my willingness to stay could not alone sustain such an intricate structure, at least not yet. The line between lucidity and waking up is a narrow one to walk. So as quickly as I'd gotten my bearings, it all started to slip away. The vibrant colours turned to sepia, the pixels broke apart, everything faded to black and I woke up in my bed.

Continue on to Part 2.

With These Hands

She stopped me just as I was about to walk out the front door..

‘Wait! Your skeleton is showing.’

There was a not so subtle hint of condescension in her tone.

'Come here’,

She grabbed me by the back of the neck with one hand, and with the other tore out the rest of my spinal cord, whipped it with a flourish and just before I could drip through her fingers jammed it painfully back into the socket, dabbing at the bloody edges with a tissue before straightening my collar and buttoning the moment with a tilt of the head and the emptiest of smiles.

'Now what are we going to do about these horrible old things?’

She was staring down at my fingers with disgust. I’m not sure how it happened exactly, but the flesh on both of my hands had grown transparent and gelatinous. With skin like decaying latex, you could see the blood struggling through my veins but even more offensive were the creaking little bones underneath.

'You’ve really made a mess of yourself haven’t you?’

She shook her head and crossed the room. Kneeling down by the bed and pulling out an old wooden sewing box from underneath.

She rummaged around in several of the compartments until she found what she felt was necessary.

'You’re a very lucky boy’

..

'I am?’

With hands tucked behind her back she approached me, slow and deliberate, smiling like a little school girl.

'Close your eyes or no surprise!’

Nervously, I closed them and felt her pulling something very dry and coarse over my hyper sensitive digits. It sent a horrendous shiver up my freshly adjusted spine that was almost unbearable.

'You can open your eyes now’..

I looked down to discover I was wearing what seemed to be gloves, but made from the skin of somebody else’s hands. Much too nervous to appear ungrateful or rude. I faked my best smile.

'Wow. They are really awesome..

Thank you so much’.

Her eyes were wide and teary and so proud that she had to step backwards just to properly take in her handiwork.

'Those were your grandfathers’.